


Just Deserts in a Lawless Land

by paupotter_4869



Category: The Host - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Arguing, Banished, F/M, Family, Mourning, leaving the caves, trial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-03-07 04:55:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13427250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paupotter_4869/pseuds/paupotter_4869
Summary: At the trial for attempted murder, Kyle is sentenced to exile. Ian's POVJust because so many years after reading the book I still cannot entirely forgive Kyle and I wish this is what had happened.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All credit to Stephenie Meyer.

“Ten… fifteen… twenty… twenty-three. Okay, that’s a clear majority,” Jeb says, and then quiets to ponder for a second or two. Everyone holds their breath--ready to speak on Wanda's behalf, or Kyle’s, depending on the old man’s next words. “But on this instance, I’m inclined to rule against the majority. Kyle, you knew the rules. I was clear. Yet you attacked Wanda and were really close to killing her off. 

“You’re out of here. I cannot even pretend to be sorry for you.” 

I nod sullenly, once. Never had I agreed more with one of Jeb’s decisions, even if Kyle’s my brother--a bond I’m now ashamed of. A death sentence is what he deserves, nothing more, nothing else. And I’m not the only one to think so, by the looks of it: everyone in our little corner has accepted Kyle’s sentence as quietly and sullenly as me. 

Something else altogether is Wanda’s case. 

“ _No!_ ” she’s shrieked after Jeb’s ruling. Her eyes bat open, she’s shivering, in complete shock, she probably never thought Jeb would actually sentence Kyle--a ruling that has had a bigger toll on her than on Kyle, who hasn’t budged from his spot. Incidentally, it’s Sharon, Maggie and a few others who’ve stepped in on Kyle’s defense. 

On the floor by my side, Wanda’s struggling, trying to get up, to no avail. I don’t give her a hand this time. I’m not letting her speak on Kyle’s worthless behalf anymore. I don’t want to have anything to do with Kyle anymore. 

“Jamie, help me stand,” Wanda begs instead, realizing I wasn’t planning on moving. But the boy’s jumped up before Wanda has finished her plea and helps her on her feet. They wobble for a couple seconds, Jamie still too young and not strong enough to fully support all of Wanda’s weight, but in the end they manage. Sighing, worried about Wanda’s well-being if nothing else, I stand up as well to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t pull any last-minute stupidities. 

Between us three and Jeb, however, is Jared, still standing in front of our little group on the corner of the play room. He steps in right before Wanda, eyebrows frowned. 

“You don’t have to speak on Kyle’s behalf,” he says sullenly. I almost want to scowl--only stop myself from doing so because of how that’d affect Wanda. Couldn’t he figure out I have tried to talk her out of it already? 

“As a matter of fact, yes, I do,” replies Wanda. “So move aside, Jared.” 

He’s quiet for another beat--for a second I wish he’d insisted and forced Wanda to retreat--but finally he steps to one side to allow her and Jamie to proceed towards the center of the play room. I follow their suit and to my dismay, Jared joins us too, walking by Jamie’s other side, keeping up Wanda’s slow pace. Even when she tries her best to ignore all her injuries, she can’t ignore the pain. 

In the end, somehow, we make our way through the play room, to Jeb, who’s surrounded by most of the family members, discussing heatedly with Sharon and Maggie. Kyle, surprising as it is, isn’t a part of the argument--I guess he’d come to terms with this possibility when he decided to kill Wanda off. 

“Jeb, you can’t send one of our own away!” Aaron’s saying at that moment. 

“Just because you’ve grown fond of a--” 

“Now, careful there,” Jeb warns his sister. He’s still holding the riffle on his hands, but weapon or no weapon, he can still make Maggie regret her words. She doesn’t put her foot down, however, perhaps dismissing the clear threat in Jeb’s voice. 

“Jebbediah, this is completely biased!” 

“When have I said that this was a democracy, Sharon? This is a dictatorship. And I’m the ruler here, not the judge--I don’t have to explain myself or my decisions. Are we all clear?” he demands raising his voice, looking around for any kind of confrontation. 

“You’re the judge, jury and executioner, Jeb,” scowls Aaron. 

“You’re playing God, Jebbediah,” adds Maggie, which in some ways, is true, no-one is going to deny that. But Jeb only shrugs, hanging the riffle over his shoulder. 

“I don’t have any kind of power over life or death,” he says coldly. “Only the right to refuse admission to those who don’t respect a certain list of rules and make life harder for the rest of us. And since this is _my_ house, I’m entitled to vet anyone I’d like. Kyle should be just grateful my riffle didn’t get a chance to speak.” 

“Jeb,” pants Wanda then--perhaps because of the pain, or because of his last words. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t banish Kyle.” 

Wanda’s desperate plea finally puts a stop to the useless argument, as everyone turns to look at her with varying degrees of bewilderment looks on their eyes and faces. Of all the things she could have come up with after such a ruling, she just had to say she wanted to pardon Kyle. 

“He shouldn’t be forced to leave because of--” 

“Don’t you say because of you,” I interject. “He’s leaving because of what he did, nothing else. You are not to blame here.” 

“Of course not,” promises Jamie, patting Wanda’s arm reassuringly. I can tell the boy still has a hard time coming to terms with what Kyle did, Jeb’s sentence and, furthermore, Wanda’s inclination towards the whole matter. 

“Please,” Wanda repeats. “This isn’t right.” 

“Ain’t it?” asks Jeb, almost intrigued to understand Wanda’s point of view. “I think it is, honey. You cannot live in here with the man who tried to kill you. And _I_ can’t live in here with that same man roaming freely around the place as if nothing had happened. So the choice is quite simple, really.” 

“No, it is not, Jeb. I--” 

“I’ve ruled, honey,” Jeb reminds Wanda with an almost sweet and compassionate voice. “I’m not changing my mind. My house, my rules.” 

The old but all-too-known statement finally gets the room to quieten down, both on Wanda’s and Kyle’s side. No one has anything else to say, apparently, which is, truly, a blessing, since I already have a terrible headache. I’m exhausted from discussing what Kyle has done and what he deserves because of his actions. He’s been lucky--had Law and Courts still be a thing, he could have been sentenced to a life in prison for attempted murder. 

Kyle stands now, his first reaction since Jeb’s sentence. I’m quite shocked at my brother’s coolness, to be honest. I thought he’d be arguing along with Sharon and Maggie, pleading for his life, but I guess he won’t resort to that what with Wanda here too. I step up so I'm clearly standing in front of Wanda, protective mode on--I don’t like Kyle being any closer to her now that he’s set to leave the caves, finally. For once, he does the right thing and keeps quiet. 

“When?” I ask instead of him, raising my voice unnecessarily cold and even, without moving my eyes from Kyle’s face. 

Jeb and I exchange one look and then Jeb locks eyes with Kyle, pondering for a couple of seconds my question. 

“Tomorrow morning. Sunbreak,” Jeb decides. I receive the sentence with the same response as the first one, only this time, I’m actually able to breathe out. Jared exhales deeply, too, and I see Jamie relaxing as well. 

On the other hand, the news only upset Wanda, like I knew it would. Jamie starts caressing her back soothingly, but I know Wanda, and am aware she wanted nothing to do with the procedure that has taken place here today and much less, that idiotic and jackass brother of mine. 

I don’t think it through for more than two seconds before taking her into my arms, bearing in mind her worse injuries, and take her away without a look above my shoulder. Everyone lets us through, not a word of complain to be heard. Wanda’s life apart from danger and fear, apart from the man who tried and almost succeeded to kill her, starts right about now. 

As soon as we’re outside of the playroom Wanda dares to lean on my chest and she starts crying quietly. 

It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I’ve never seen her like that. She’s never cried in front of me. She’s rarely opened up to me before. The one time I can recall was when she confessed she was scared of Kyle, that one time we were with Jamie, on our way to see Walter at the hospital wing, and I grabbed her hand partially to piss my brother off. But on that instance it was just the three of us, and she barely uttered the words, as if hoping Jamie and I wouldn’t be able to hear them. Now, she’s showing me a side of her I hadn’t had the pleasure to know until this very moment. She’s displaying what she truly feels for the first time ever. 

If I didn’t know the caves by heart, I would have gotten lost on the way to the dorms. I only have eyes for Wanda, crying for the first time she’s gotten to the caves, safely in my arms. That it should be my brother’s trial the one thing that finally snaps her, after all the abuse and suffering she’s endured on the hands of all of us, makes me quite angry, and I’m only able to contain myself because I know that by tomorrow morning, less than twenty-four hours now, that chapter of our story will be closed and we might be able to move past it. 

What the next chapter will be for us, I don’t know and daren’t to ask. It’s not the time nor the place. But perhaps some peace and quiet would be nice for a change, giving Wanda a chance to really heal. She’s suffered way too much in the past few days, more than anyone, human or otherwise, should be forced to endure. It’d give all of us an opportunity to settle down into our new life, as well. 

When I get to my room, Wanda’s room now, I lay her on my old mattress--figured she wouldn’t want to be on Kyle’s at the moment--and kneel on the floor, grabbing her hand, wishing for nothing but help her. She’s finally had the chance to have a good cry and that’ll be good for her, but for now she’s panting, the crying must have been hurting her ribs for a while now. 

“Ian,” she whimpers. 

“It’s alright,” I say, kissing her hand. “He won’t hurt you anymore. No one will ever hurt you again. I promise you. It’s alright,” I repeat over and over, hoping she gets the message and would stop worrying. 

“Let me--” 

“Hush,” I whisper. Seeing her like that makes me shred a tear or two as well and I thank that being lied down as she is, she can’t see my face clearly. “It’s OK now.” 

“No, it’s not,” she replies, stubborn. What was the chance that my brother had to be replaced by someone as stubborn as him? Although that’s the main, and only difference between the two. 

“Just try to sleep. You need to rest,” I say. I grab a bottle of water from the nightstand and hand it to her, coaxing Wanda to at least take a few sips and not dehydrate, which is the last thing she needs at the moment, on top of everything else. She pushes the bottle away, weakly, but I can’t force myself nor her into drinking. 

“Ian, what happened--” 

“Is what _had_ to happen,” I cut her off, already guessing where she was going. 

“No, it wasn’t!” she replies, frenzied. “Kyle shouldn’t be thrown out of the only place he can call a home.” 

I’d misunderstood her. She wasn’t crying due to relief, she wasn’t letting herself have a good cry after the hellish weeks she’s suffered here in the caves. She was weeping because she held herself responsible for Kyle being sentenced to exile. That’s not something I can allow her to feel. 

“Stop it,” I order a bit rudely. “Kyle knew the rules, he knew what was at stake when he attacked you. What happened back there was just cause, Wanderer. Nothing else.” 

“Ian--” 

“It’s his own fault, Wanderer, and no one else’s,” I insist, mustering a quite convincing soothing voice even though it’s Kyle we’re talking about. “We as a community cannot live with a murderer. And you certainly cannot live together with the man who tried to kill you.” 

“But, Ian, he’s your brother.” 

“Not anymore.” 

Why is she so hung up on that little fact? Ever since Kyle and the rest of missionaries came back to the caves and he refused to see the truth or listen to reason, my bond with Kyle slowly and gradually vanished. When he almost succeeded in killing Wanda off, he stopped being my brother altogether. He knew, or at least suspected, because we never got around to talk about it, my feelings towards Wanda. And knowing that, he attacked her. He was willing to kill the sweetest person on the Planet and the woman I loved all with one stone. 

“Yes, Ian, he is--of all the places I’ve been there’s one thing I’ve learnt that’s a constant and unequivocal anywhere you go. And that’s family, Ian. It comes in all kinds of shape and sizes, but it always exists.” 

“I’m not saying I don’t have a family,” I reply. “I’m just saying that you’re part of it now, and that Kyle isn’t. Not anymore, he’s not.” 

“You can’t value me more than your own blood.” 

“Oh, but I do. You’re worth a hundred Kyles. Probably a thousand.” 

“You’re a rotten liar,” she says, shaking her head from side to side. 

“Wanda, I’m not lying when I say you deserve a place here, with us. A place where you can also feel safe and not spend your days looking over your shoulder.” 

“Ian, please. You don’t turn your back to family. That’s simply not in any species’ nature. Let me talk to Jeb. Kyle can’t be kicked out.” 

_I want to kiss her._ The thought comes out of nowhere and by the time I come to myself, I was already leaning close to Wanda. First off, I wanted to put a stop to her babbling, sure, but for some unknown reason my idiotic brain thought kissing her was the best option. I’d been holding her hand, staring right into Wanda’s eyes and her lips moving frenzied with her ranting, and it’s really difficult to find the strength to stop before I do something I truly regret. 

But certainly engaging such an intimate touch isn’t going to do good with Wanda. Instead, I just raise my free hand to her lips, a gesture that effectively gets her to stop talking. 

“You are not talking to Jeb.” 

She groans and rolls her eyes, letting go of my hand and sending it to her forehead, clearly struggling on all fronts. 

“How do you suggest I move on with my life?” she scowls under her breath. She’s talking to Mel, arguing really, and I realize she hadn’t only been talking with me concerning Kyle’s life and Jeb’s sentence. The poor soul, she can’t get a rest, apparently. And given the fact that Wanda usually keeps to herself her conversations with Mel, it’s fair to estimate she’s getting Hell from her human counterpart. I’m really in no position to make things worse for Wanda. 

I sigh, giving up--Mel probably won’t extend the same courtesy. I lean closer again, but this time I don’t go for the lips, figuring Mel would throw an even bigger tantrum and Wanda would never hear the end of it. I just give her a quick, soft peck on the forehead. 

Somehow it works, because Wanda stops babbling under her breath, the deep frown between her eyes gone. Plus, she’s speechless, which is kind of a first coming from her where Kyle was concerned. 

“Just try to relax, Wanderer,” I whisper as I pull back. “I’ll stay here with you for as long as you want.” Not because I fear for her life and think guarding her is still necessary, but because I’m not physically able to get away from her, not just yet. Though I can’t confess so to her, she’s still struggling concerning the sentence on Kyle, I shouldn’t give her another bargain to deal with. 

Pulling back slowly, I retreat to my bed and sit on the edge, my eyes never leaving Wanda’s. She remains frozen for some long seconds, staring at me bewildered, until her face contorts all of a sudden--because of something that Mel has said, I can tell that now. Wanda goes back to speak with her counterpart and from that moment on she mostly forgets about me. 

Can’t say it bothers me, however. After a while, perhaps an hour or so, Wanda’s face finally relaxes, her lips stop moving altogether, her even breathing telling me she’s fallen asleep at long last, perhaps in the midst of arguing with Mel--and I get to enjoy the luxury of staring at her without her running away somewhere out of embarrassment. She’s sleeping on a real mattress in what is now her own room, relatively comfortable, recovering from all her injuries and the abuse she’s suffered in the hands of everyone in these caves, fed, clean, and wearing clothes that kind of fit her. Compared to those first weeks, when she was scared of her own shadow, never was more than two feet away from Jeb, never dared to say a word out loud, things have truly changed. And will continue to change for the better. 

For her _and_ for me. I don’t know why it’d taken me so long to confess the truth. But I love her. Her, _Wanda_ , not Mel. Truly love her for what she is--even when she pisses me off unspeakably while trying to defend my worthless excuse of a brother. Have loved her for a while, actually. It’s almost wrong to feel this good in the midst of everything else, but right here, on this instance, I’m at peace. And happy. I’d vowed to myself that I’d protect Wanda--that was, at the time, the only kind of love I could show her. And with the resolution at the trial, Wanda will finally enjoy a quiet existence here on the caves. I really can’t ask for more where the woman I love is concerned. 

A soft knock on the door snaps me out of my blur of happiness and peacefulness. I cannot begin to stress the struggle I face to move my eyes off of Wanda, much less to actually stand from the bed and walk the few feet to open the door. Jamie, Jared and Doc are waiting for me--the look on their faces, I can’t decipher. 

My whole attention focuses on the tray Jamie’s holding. I take it inside of the room, never missing the funny look Jared’s got for me--doesn’t look too pleased with the sleeping arrangements I decided on, or with the tray with food for two. I couldn’t give a damn at the moment as I come outside the room, close the door halfway in order not to wake up Wanda and lean against the doorframe. I hadn’t realized I’m this exhausted. 

“How’s Wanda?” asks Jamie. 

“Sleeping at the moment,” I say, although I know that’s not the answer they wanted to hear. “She’s torn, to say the least.” 

“That’s understandable,” sighs Doc, as if regretting the rub Wanda’s in. 

I nod--and yet Jared’s response is to chuckle, a sound that reverberates through the dorms hallway. 

“Yeah, I can tell she’s in two minds,” he says. “Mel certainly wanted Jeb to kill Kyle on the spot.” 

Upon that I come out to the hallway and shut the door, forcing the two men and the boy to step backwards so I don’t run them over on my outburst of facing Jared. 

“Please refrain from using such language in front of Wanda,” I ask in my sweetest voice possible. “May I remind you that she’s had kind of a few difficult weeks, and if now she’s seeing the end of it is no thanks to you.” 

That makes Jared frown, perhaps disliking me still protecting Wanda every waking hour, but he doesn’t say anything. He can’t--there’s nothing he can say on his defense. Plus, he’ll have to get used to it eventually, because I’m not going anywhere, not until Wanda doesn’t want me anymore by her side. 

“We know that, Ian,” says Jamie carefully. “We want to help her, if possible.” 

“Right now all she needs is to rest. So some peace and quiet will be welcome.” 

“Right,” nods Doc, but he doesn’t add anything else, and we all fall silent for a beat or two. “Unfortunately, Jeb’s set. He won’t change his mind. For anyone.” 

“Who the hell would want to change his mind?” I demand bewildered. That the arguing about Kyle’s sentence should go on after Wanda and I left the playroom escapes my comprehension. It doesn’t make any sense. Kyle has to be kicked out, end of the discussion. 

On this instance, locking eyes with Jamie, Jared and Doc alternatively, I understand what the hell is going on. What the looks on their eyes mean. It’s pity. They’re pitying me. Kyle hasn’t just brought dishonor and shame to the O’Shea name for the rest of our lineage; on top of everything else, he’s managed to get my family members to. . . Pity me. Didn’t I hate my own brother enough already? 

“Don’t look at me like that,” I scowl. “He got what he deserved. He’s a murderer and he’s got no place to stay within these caves. The sentence was, actually, too kind, to my point of view.” 

Doc just sighs at that. Must have noticed the lies I’ve uttered. 

“Where is he, incidentally?” I ask. I want him as far away from Wanda as possible until he’s finally kicked out from here. Someone figured out my feelings before I had to express them out loud. 

“We’re keeping him at the hospital wing,” says Doc. “Aaron’s with him.” 

I nod, acknowledging Aaron keeping Kyle company till it’s time. It is, after all, the human thing to do for a man sentenced to death--not that he deserves that kind of treatment after all he’s done. 

“Come on, get,” I order rudely when I can’t stand anymore their pity. “Let me eat in peace.” 

Jamie needs some convincing from Jared to leave Wanda, or what’s the same Mel, but in the end he follows the two men out of the dorms hallway and I welcome the silence as I step into the room again. I can’t, however, force myself to eat anything, not with Wanda still unconscious before me--she should eat too. If she woke up, perhaps we could talk and ease some of her worries, soothe her conscience, and then we could eat together, when she understood what’s about to happen is not a bad thing, nor she should blame herself. 

But maybe that’s why it’s best not to wake her, not until. . . Afterwards. 

Two more knocks on the door compel me to stand from the bed--I realize I’ve been thinking for far too long, the food cold in the tray. 

This time it’s just Doc on the doorstep and I can tell by his face what he’s come her to say; and with an equally sullen look on my eyes, I shut the door behind me, somehow wishing I could lock it so Wanda won’t be able to come out for the time being--although I would never dare to do so, on the other hand, fearing what Wanda’d think about the whole thing.

I take a very deep breath and pat Doc on the shoulder. 

“It’s going to be fine,” I say. Feels utterly stupid, but there really isn’t anything appropriate to say at the present moment. We slowly and silently find our way to the dining room--some people such as Andy, Brandt, Jeoffrey and Ruth, joining in without much of a word. 

Kyle, for the moment, is nowhere to be seen--I can’t tell if that saddens or gladdens me. Jared is there too, as well as Maggie, Sharon, Isaiah and Trev, besides Jeb. Per usual, the old man rules within his kingdom and scowls upon seeing our little entourage enter the kitchens. 

“Where do you think you’re all going? This ain’t a public theatre. Everyone back to your dorms.” 

Some of the people gathered--Brandt, Isaiah, Trev, Ruth--drop their heads and turn around, just a bit crestfallen, headed back to the dorms. I don’t move from my spot; I need to be here for this. Jared doesn’t either and Doc, to support me, I gather, stands by my side. It comes as no surprise to see Magnolia holding her ground too, although her presence here doesn’t do good with my temper at the moment. 

We don’t get the chance to fight about it--a dim, fainted blue light coming from the hospital corridor dismisses our willingness to argue surprisingly fast. As we all turn around to face that corridor, Aaron shows up in front of Kyle, now playing the role of the executioner. They come closer in complete silence, Kyle locking eyes with each and everyone of us. If he was looking for pity and misery from his former family members, he did not find it in my eyes. 

Finally, he comes to a halt. 

“I don’t need a goodbye party,” he says after a beat. 

He’s done it again. I’m this close to punch my brother for the last time ever, when Jeb speaks over my anger. 

“Suppose you don’t need this either?” he asks, almost amused, raising a backpack. One of the biggest we own that Kyle can carry comfortably, also full to the brim. A funny knot on my stomach intensifies. I’m not sure I should regret Kyle getting one last goodbye gift out of kindness he doesn’t deserve. I’m not sure it makes me glad, either. 

Kyle ponders for a second or two, but ends up grabbing the back. He ain’t that stupid. It might just give him a few more days to live--but still he doesn’t thank Jeb the gesture. 

The old man clears his throat. 

“Alright, then. You better get going, Kyle. You know the way.” 

“No,” says a weak female voice that stops us all. 

I close my eyes and really try not to fall into despair or curse right there. Isn’t this hard enough already? Hadn’t I just swallowed that one monosyllable down my throat just now? Was someone else compelled to say it in my place against common sense? Did it have to be Wanda? 

The girl is hobbling towards us the best way she can, which isn’t saying much, but for once I don’t go and help her, I’m too busy glaring at Jamie, who’s walking by Wanda’s side, letting her lean on him for support. The one and only--of course it had to be him. I can’t think of anyone else who’d give in under Wanda’s, Mel’s, pleas. 

“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” scowls Doc, distressed, meeting Wanda halfway. 

“Jamie, take her back,” I order sternly, trying my best not to lock eyes with Wanda. 

“I’m not a taxi,” replies the boy. “And she--” 

Wanda has moved past Doc, walking straight towards us, or more accurately, towards Jeb, muttering the pleas and bargains she never should have been forced to say on behalf of my brother. 

“Jeb, please, don’t do it.” 

“Kiddo, let’s not drag this whole ordeal, okay?” 

“Please!” begs Wanda. “If not for him, do it at least for me--I couldn’t handle it.” 

_Well, that’s a good argument,_ I sigh--I might have trouble replying to it, had I been in Jeb’s shoes. But thankfully, Jeb isn’t in love with Wanda, which means he can be the rational one here, perhaps, even, a bit cruel to someone as sweet and caring a person as Wanda. 

“I’m sure you’ll survive, honey,” replies him, nodding for Kyle to start walking. 

But this time Wanda moves fast and steps in front of the little entourage--that is, directly in front of Kyle. The fact that she can stand the proximity to her killer almost disgusts me. I’m in awe, really, of her. 

“In that case,” says she, “I demand a retrial.” 

I can’t help but chuckle--and someone I can’t identify joins in too. Of course Wanda should know the basis of our former legal system. Of course she should demand the most democratic of said procedures right now. It’s Wanda. 

“This doesn’t work like that,” scowls Jeb, who sounds too tired about the subject already. “There’re no other judges you can appeal to.” 

By Jeb’s side, Maggie clears her throat, stating her point of view on the matter. The man just sighs out of exasperation. 

“Wish what you want but there won’t be any pardons tonight. That’s how things work ‘round here. If you don’t like it, just join Kyle.” 

Is honesty linked somehow to cruelty? Can’t Jeb really see how his harsh words affect Wanda? The poor woman literally shivers, there in front of us. I’m this close to hit the old man or step forward to hug Wanda--but for some reason I do none of those things, even though Wanda looks astonished, dumbfounded, and almost ready to argue. Which, although it’d surprise the hell out of me should she do that, is the very last thing I can bear at the moment. 

“That’s it for you,” I settle, grabbing her shoulders before she drops. “Jamie, take her back to her room, and don’t even think about taking her anywhere else again.” 

“I was just--” 

“Trying to help, I know,” I interject him tiredly. “But help me by sparing me from an ulcer. Please.” 

The boy needs to take some responsibility after taking Wanda without listening to common sense or Doc’s recommendations--I know he just did it for his sister. We stand in silence as Jamie takes Wanda away, struggling emotionally, in spite of Wanda’s weak attempts at putting up a fight. A couple seconds later, Doc clears his throat and meets them halfway, a gesture that finally gets me relaxed. He’ll get Wanda to her room alright, whether willingly or not. 

The very moment where Jamie’s and Doc’s coaxing and Wanda’s effortless complaints disappear Jeb speaks again, prompting all of us to get moving also. 

“Right. Let’s get going before daylight breaks.” 

Some people heed Jeb’s prior order and head for the dorms; the rest of us follow Kyle to the garage. That was another reason as why we couldn’t let Wanda join our sad entourage: it’d have revealed her the way out, the one secret we cannot let her in. Although I'm sure she would never have turned her back to us now. 

We gather behind one of the trucks, where we can almost feel and smell the clear, fresh air of the outdoors. But tonight that breeze doesn’t bring us joy or the wish to get out of the caves for a few hours, or minutes--Kyle being kicked out is by far too pessimistic a prospect for one and for all. The man in question, who until now was seemingly at peace with the situation, bring himself to do or say anything at the current moment. For some sick, twisted reason, Magnolia chooses today to show some kindness, even if it’s addressed towards the wrong person. 

“Good luck out there. "

"Thank you, Maggie," appreciates Kyle, leaning in to accept her hug. 

"We all know the unfairness of this," says she. "You aren’t the one who should be kicked out of here.” 

“Explain to me why should we live with a murderer?” I demand coldly, not daring to lock eyes with Kyle nor Maggie. 

“Why should we live with an alien?” retorts Magnolia. 

“Wanda’s as much a member of the community as the next one!” I explode. “Apart from Kyle, that is.” 

“That parasite is as much a human as--” 

“Hey, if you two dislike it so much in here, you can bloody well join your favorite little murderer,” I scowl, truly meaning my suggestion. For a brief second I wish the woman would say yes. 

“Knock it off, both of you, right now,” orders Jeb. “This ain’t the time for a frickin’ moral debate. Kyle, get out. I won’t say it again.” 

The man who I can barley call a brother nods once, picks up his backpack, hangs it from his shoulders, checks the straps and the weight. He then makes the biggest mistake he could have done at the moment: he raises his eyes and looks at me, speaks directly at me as if we were still bonded by anything more than spite and hate. 

“I understand that what I did deserves some kind of punishment and I accept it. But I still think I did the right thing, you know. Your blindness and kindness towards that parasite is going to get you killed.” 

This is the last straw for me, the words that finally crash my barely kept temper, when I’ve been holding back my anger and frustration for days on end now--I was still pissed off when I heard Jared had been the only privileged person allowed to hit Kyle after he tried to kill Wanda. Oh, I’m going to miss having Kyle around as a punching bag for whenever I feel frustrated or mildly annoyed. This is, indeed, the last chance I’ve got to break my brother’s nose. But it looks like I didn’t hurt him hard enough. 

Because of my blow Kyle falls down on the floor, almost hitting the truck with his head--an unfortunate event that’d have saved us so many troubles--sending a hand up to his nose. 

“Cut it or else you’ll get the death penalty right here and now,” I scowl. 

“Boys, I thought you were smarter than that,” sighs Jeb. 

Upon that scowl I look above my shoulder to see who else was just about ready to make Kyle pay for his words and, well, for his actions that day. Of course it was Jared. His whole body is tense, he’s glaring at Kyle with fury in his eyes, his shivering hands out of rage shut in fists, his knuckles white. Guess he didn’t like hearing Kyle insult the woman he once loved. Well, if he wants to, Kyle can get a fight as a farewell note from this family, he only needs to ask. 

Unfortunately, sometimes Kyle is a little bit smarter than I give him credit for. He just stands from the floor, leaning on the truck, and spits some blood, staring at Jared and me alternatively. 

“Kyle, don’t say a word. I don’t want to hear your voice again,” says Jeb, the warning clear to all of us. But since he’s already being kicked out, he must have figured out nothing else can happen to him and he dares to open his mouth. 

“Guess I’ll see you all in Hell.” 

And with that, before he gets a formal goodbye from his family, in the form of a proper farewell note, hug or fight, he spins around and leaves, vanishing quickly into the darkness. His last words echo for so long in my ears--an epitome of Kyle’s character and his life. Should we ever decide to erect a tombstone for my brother, I already know what it should say. 

My family members leave my side hurriedly, a mixture of shame and willingness to forget all about Kyle in their uttered words of farewell, and I'm astonished to find myself feeling abandoned and somewhat blue because I just blew off my chance to properly say goodbye to a brother I know I won’t be seeing again. Just as positively as our parents, Kyle’s as good as dead, from the moment he stepped foot outside of the caves. That’s an undeniable truth, to me and to anyone else in these forsaken caves--to Wanda herself, too. 

I’m going to have to learn to live with it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deals with Kyle's banishment the best they can, including Wanda. 
> 
> I just had to write another chapter, because the conversation between Ian and Wanda after Kyle's trial in the book is just too good not include it here too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience, I know it's been too long since I posted this fanfic. . . It was supposed to just be one-chapter story. I've been busy and focused on other works. Hope you like this new chapter too ! I promise I won't take so long to update the fanfic...

I bend and lift the tray full of clean dishes, expecting the usual tingles of pain on my chest and ribs to forbid me from such exercise, but there’s nothing. By now it’s more the fear of pain my brain has been conditioned to than the pain itself--I’m practically recovered already. 

Even though it’s been days since Doc cleared me for any of the chores at the caves, some still treat me like a wounded puppy. It’s exasperating. And baffling. 

“Allow me,” says Ian, appearing in front of me before I take two steps. 

“Don’t, Ian, I can--” 

“Indulge me, then,” he begs, pointing down at the tray. It is pretty heavy, but nothing that Mel’s fully recovered body couldn’t handle. 

But the thing that truly baffles me here is Ian’s touch as he takes the tray from my hands, his permanent presence around me, his constant willingness to help me whenever he can, even though I don’t need him to take me around the caves anymore. How can he stand being so close to me, being so nice to me? A third of the family has a hard time forgiving me for what I did--how can he look past what I did? I killed his brother. He shouldn’t be able to look at me in the eye--some people still can’t, and it wasn’t their brother by blood. 

_:-Oh, for heaven’s sake, Wanda, you killed nobody. I refuse to have the same argument again and again.-:_

:-I’ve got his blood on my hands, Mel.-: 

_:-No, you don’t, Wanda. He got our blood on his hands alright, and was pretty close to kill us off. Whatever else happened, he had it coming.-:_

I kneel by the river, another tray of dishes to take care of, and stare at Ian’s back as he leaves for the kitchens side by side with Trudy. No one would say that he’s just lost his brother. Not by the way he acts, talks, jokes around, stands being and working close to me, even sleeping in the same room. 

Not that anyone ever mentions Kyle, though. It has become another one of Jeb’s non-written rules, a taboo subject. We don’t mention his absence, we don’t wonder his chances of surviving out there on his own. He’s gone and there’s that. A gloomy atmosphere, that has nothing to do with the high temperatures in the caves or the extenuating workload Jeb assigns every day, roams our dorms, the fields, the kitchen, the dining room, every hour of every day. That resulted in some people sulking and growling every time I’m around and sending me death stares--kind of what it felt like those first few weeks on the caves, although now there are more people on my side backing me up and so I don’t get any death threats verbally. 

As for me, I think I’ve been the most affected by Kyle’s banishment, which just gets on Mel’s nerves, and Jared’s, and Jeb’s, and Jamie’s, and Doc’s, and Ian’s, so I’ve pretty much stopped talking about Kyle too--only I can’t stop wondering, and so Mel has just been too irritated and cranky lately. Everyone has already learnt not to speak to us right after we wake up, because I’m still a bit groggy and sleepy, and Mel has broken out of my control and burst out some out of place snarky comment that shocked every last human on sight, although Jared and Ian found them extremely amusing. Since then, I’ve tried to keep away from members of the human cell until after I’ve had breakfast. 

Our struggles and emotional toll starts as soon as I open my eyes--lying on Ian’s bed in his room, whereas he’s taken Kyle’s old mattress. The sleeping arrangements annoys Mel to no ends, specially since Jared and Jamie did offer a space for me in their already crowded room. She sulks and her mood worsens whenever I meet the people on guard duty tonight, who day after day just confirm the same: Ian’s spent most of the night out there with them. Maybe hoping to find Kyle’s body, they say. Who knows what’s really going on in his mind right about now. But then, he reappears in the middle of breakfast, with an uncanny energy given the few hours of slept he scraped by, and persistently insists on joining me on my chores, leaving Jared out of the picture for the whole morning till lunch time, which only infuriates Mel even more. I’m fairly certain he’s bribing someone in order to be assigned to my same routines day in and day out, even though I’m still waiting for confirmation on that front. 

Somehow, we’re living in a parallel world without reason. Even though he lost his brother, even though I killed his brother, Ian doesn’t look angry, devastated or resentful, not at all. He doesn’t only want to work with me, stay with me, talk to me, working side by side, be the gentleman he’s always been towards me and so on, but he enjoys doing all of the above, too. He looks relaxed whenever I’m with him, he’s got a smile glued to his lips most of the day, he laughs out loud all the time. I can see now why some people can accuse Ian of not being in his right mind. 

On the other hand, there’s me, personifying everything that Ian should be feeling. I was almost tempted to go into mourning because of Kyle’s absence, because what I did can’t be described as an act a Soul would do. 

The only reason I didn’t mourn or weep--just sulk and tried to move on with my life--is Ian. He’s lost his brother and yet he finds the strength to get up from his bed every morning, to put up with me and Mel, to face an extraordinarily long day of work. He keeps my sanity somehow and so I force myself to raise my head and see the silver linings of the day: Jamie’s childish excitement over everything, my informal lectures about the worlds out there, the belonging to a community, the working hard for a family from another species who’s somehow accepted me, being alive, being safe. Might even add too that people around here, or some of them, actually care about me. I’m allowed to enjoy this existence. 

One day over lunch, Jared comes to sit on the same table Ian, Jamie, Lily, Jeb and I were eating. Instinctively, I scoop aside, moving away from Jared, getting a scowl from Mel at the reaction. These past few days Jared’s been hammering his presence onto us, nearly as much as Ian has made it his mission to be around me all the time, and though I don’t really dislike him nor can despise him for everything that’s happened between us, I’m not just yet keen on him. Plus, for some reason I still can’t figure out, every time Jared comes around, Ian’s mood darkens, which is something he should be able to perceive, since he’s a human alright--and I’m all for avoiding subjects or situations that don’t help Ian. 

“Jeb,” says Jared, unaware, or rather overlooking, all our reactions. “I think it’s about time we went on a re-supplying mission.” 

The old man nods once at the same time as I did. In trying to seek some comfort somewhere, anywhere, these past days, I’ve found myself too often holed up to that forsaken hole--of course, going there didn’t help ease my mind, since I got a scolding every time Ian, or Jeb, or Jamie, or anyone else found me there--but I know first-hand we are low on supplies. Feelings for Kyle’s absence and Ian’s sate of mind vanish instantly as I nearly choke on my food. Great. Just something else to trouble my mind with. Sending Kyle away was such a big deal because of the risks it entailed. Now they’re talking about going out there on their own volition and risk their necks. If I had a say in any of it, I wouldn’t allow them to go. 

On the other hand, by my side, Jamie’s face lights up, addressing Jared There’s some unspoken conversation I’m not aware of--and another knot grows in my stomach as I see again the amount of time I lost with Jamie and well, Jared. 

“You taking him?” asks Jeb then. 

“Sure,” nods Jared. “It’s about time he graduates. We can always use the manpower.” 

“Cool! Thanks--” 

Jamie’s thanking Jared and his uncle is interjected abruptly--by my shrieks. 

“He is _not_ going out there!” I yell, to everyone’s surprise. I have been keeping to myself and am usually a quiet person, beyond the informal classes after dinner. “Have you all lost your minds?! How can you even suggest that?!” 

“Please, it’s not that dangerous. He’ll be with Jared,” Jeb tries to reason, blind to my anxiety. 

“I have to disagree,” I scowl. 

“He’s old enough, Wanda,” Jared says, a remark that I didn’t need to hear--didn’t need any more reminders of the time I didn’t get to spend with my little brother. 

“But--Jared promised me!” Jamie tries to bargain. 

“Well, sorry I was not there for the discussion! You are _not_ going!” 

“Wanda,” it’s Ian’s only interjection, low voice--I know what he’s asking, I know he’s tired of arguments and drama, but I cannot do this, not even for him. I cannot allow my little brother to go out there, even accompanied with Jared. And Mel agrees with me on this instance: there’s a reason why, when they were on our own, Mel was always the one who left to look for food or a safe shelter. 

“Please,” I beg, lowering my voice, grabbing Jamie by the shoulders. “Not again. I beg of you.” 

Seems I don’t get a word on the matter, sadly, even though I’m, heck, Jamie’s older sister and he’s still within my care. The one who does get a say, however, is Ian--by the corner of my eye I see him glaring at Jared and then nodding, once. After that, Jared sighs and gives up. 

“Okay. Next time, buddy.” 

“But--” 

“Next time, I promise you. Let things settle a bit,” he insists, knowing in the end, Jamie’ll do what he’s asked for. “Spare Mel an ulcer, okay?” 

Jared pronouncing Mel’s name out of the blue leaves me--and her--breathless. Jamie simply nods. This is just too similar to one of our little conversations back in the day, when the three of us were actually a family. By my side, Ian tenses. He sends a hand to my knee to reassure me but for some reason thinks twice about it and just picks up his spoon to eat. 

“What was that all about?” he asks a few hours later, when we’re alone in our dorm. At least he’s waited until we had some privacy. 

“I’m just worried about Jamie. I’m entitled, aren’t I?” I reply. 

“Of course you are,” he grants. “But I thought you wouldn’t consider us going out there as dangerous.” 

“Well, I might be a Soul, but I’m not that stupid, Ian,” I scoff. 

“I didn’t say--” 

“I know how you get your supplies,” I resume before he thinks he needs to make up for anything wrong he’s said, because he truly doesn’t. “If you get caught, you’ll have a Seeker inside of you before you can even think about attacking them.” 

“So you care about Jamie,” he sums up, before raising his arms to stop my complaints about his remark. “I know, I know, it shouldn’t surprise me. He’s your little brother, I get that.” 

Ian sits on the bed, at arm’s length, and seems to struggle with the words. I don’t pressure him, I welcome any subject that doesn’t involve Kyle. As for Mel, she’s stirring nervously on the edge of consciousness, as if deciding if she wants to stay and have a say in the matter or she’d rather disappear. 

“And. . . Do you care about Jared?” asks Ian then, without truly meeting my eye. 

“Of course I do, but I know he can handle himself out there.” 

“You don’t trust him enough to take care of Jamie?” 

“Implicitly. It’s just Jamie I have a hard time trusting,” I chuckle. “I’d worry about anyone in the family,” I say, but internally I’m wondering where is he going with this. Mel isn’t willing to help me, which must mean this conversation’s taking a bad turn where she is concerned. 

“And. . . What about me?” 

“Of course I care about you,” I laugh. 

_:-You did not just say that,-:_ complains Mel. 

:-What? Speak the truth?-: 

_:-That wasn’t the truth!-:_

:-Yes, it is! Why are you getting so worked up over this? What’s the problem?-: 

_:-Ugh, can’t you see where he’s going with this?-:_

:-No, and if you do, you could help me, you know.-: 

_:-Not a chance. Tell Ian I want to kiss his ass.-:_

:-Wha--Why? What’s he done now? What’s going on?-: 

But Mel retreats without giving me any answers or even a hint, and in the meantime Ian’s still there, close enough to grab my hand if he reached his arm, but keeping his distances now. And keeping his thoughts to himself too. 

“So, you’d care if I went out there,” he says then. 

“Of course. I wouldn’t want anyone in the family to get captured and--” 

I bite my tongue before any more words come out of my mouth. I’m so stupid, Mel should have warned me. This is exactly why Kyle being banished was so problematic and terrifying for all of us--he could get captured and had a Seeker inside of him, if he didn’t get himself killed first. Is this about Kyle? 

“So you’d worry about me?” Ian asks. 

“About you and anyone else who left the relative security of the caves. I know some of you will have to go eventually, but I just couldn’t let my litte brother--” 

Ian interjects me, taking my hand and turning it so he can stare at my palm, sweaty, wrinkled, hurt, the hand of someone older than Mel is. “No. That’s not what I meant.” 

“What did you mean?” I demand. 

He tilts his head to one side. “I was speaking to Jared earlier--” 

As Mel stirs with renewed curiosity at the mention of her lover’s name, I scowl. That can’t have had productive results. Plus, whenever did Ian find the time? He spends almost every waking moment with me. 

“He said that he kissed you once,” continues Ian. If he realizes my nervousness, he pretends not to. “And that Mel. . . Hit him. Through you.” 

“Is there a question somewhere?” I laugh, anxious. 

“Do you have feelings for Jared?” 

“Mel does,” I answer the easy way, because that’s the one thing I know for sure--and it doesn’t escape Ian’s attention. He pierces me with those blue eyes. 

“And you?” 

“I--I honestly don’t know, Ian.” 

He nods at my response. “That’s understandable.”

“Only because you are very understanding.”

He smiles at me, bringing his hand to his lips. Mel scowls but I focus on Ian’s words instead of her anger. 

“The thing is, Wanda. . . I like you very much.” 

How’s that possible? The only feelings he should have towards me are anger and resentment and hatred for killing his brother. He couldn’t possibly have feelings towards me, not the way I think he means it. All I know about humans tells me that what Ian’s implying is simply impossible. Have I found the one human specimen who’s not only cruel, abusive and strong towards Souls, but also forgiving and merciful and understanding? Is it possible for a species to be all that? 

“Tell me something,” Ian says, interrupting my thoughts, that could have turned into an hour-long debate about morality and humanity. 

“If I know the answer.”

“It’s not a hard question.”

He doesn’t ask it right away. Instead, he reaches across the narrow space and picks up my hand again. He holds it in both of his for a moment, and then he trails the fingers of his left hand slowly up my arm, from my wrist to my shoulder. Just as slowly, he pulls them back again. He looks at the skin of my arm rather than my face, watching the goose bumps that form along the path of his fingers.

“Does that feel good or bad to you?” he asks.

 _:-Bad-:_ Melanie insists on my behalf.

:-But it doesn’t hurt,-: I protest.

_:-That’s not what he’s asking. When he says good. . . Oh, it’s like talking to a child!-:_

:-I’m not even a year old, you know. Or am I now?-: The question bugs me and sidetracks me, trying to figure out the date. I’ve spent too much time out here in the dessert to know for sure if I’ve already completed a full cycle of the Earth around the Sun. 

Melanie, however, is not distracted by my calculations. She’s still pissed off at Ian and at me, which feels utterly unfair. 

_:-Good, to him, means the way it feels when Jared touches us. The memory she provided was not one from the caves. It was in the magic canyon, at sunset. Jared stood behind her and let his hands follow the shape of her arms, from her shoulders to her wrists. I shivered at the pleasure of the simple touch. Like that.-:_

:-Oh.-:

“Wanda?”

“Melanie says bad,” I whisper.

“What do you say?”

“I say. . . I don’t know.” 

Frightened, I meet Ian’s eyes. They’re warmer than I expected. 

“I can’t even imagine how confusing this all must be to you.”

It feels comforting that he understands, even if Mel is just metaphorically climbing up the walls. 

“Yes. I’m confused.”

His hand traces up and down my arm again. “Would you like me to stop?”

I hesitate for a second to think, but it’s too much. 

“Yes,” I decide. “Please. Stop. That. . . What you’re doing. . . Makes it hard for me to think. And Melanie is. . . Angry at me. And at you. That also makes it hard to think.”

In spite of all his promises of understanding, Ian hasn’t stopped his caresses and it’s becoming harder and harder to form coherent thoughts and full sentences. I don’t seem able to process anything else than Mel’s protests and Ian’s face, just snow and sapphire and ink. And all of a sudden, Mel understands what Ian was going to do before me, just a second before his lips touch mine. 

_:-No!-:_

His lips soft and warm, he presses them only lightly to mine, controlled, carefully, gentle, and then brushes them back and forth across my mouth.

“Good or bad?” he whispers against my lips.

_:-Bad! Bad, bad!-:_

“I-I can’t think.” 

“That sounds. . . Good.”

His mouth presses down with more force now. He catches my lower lip between his and pulls on it gently.

But inside my mind, Melanie’s trying her best not to let me have this moment with Ian, she wants to hit him--so much more than she’d wanted to punch Jared when he kissed us the first time. She wants to shove Ian away and then kick his face, and then do who knows what else. The image she flashes at me is horrible. 

“Please,” I whisper.

“Yes?”

“Please stop. I can’t think. Please.”

Now listening to my plea, Ian sits back at once, clasping his hands in front of him, shyly embarrassed. 

“Okay,” he says, his tone cautious, assessing the response on my eyes. “I don’t suppose it’s a proper time to ask you if it felt good or bad?” 

“I--I don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

His usual self again, Ian grins at me, leaning back to rest against the wall. Making an effort to show in front of me his nonchalant and pretended carefree predisposition does help me feel better about what’s happened here. 

“Don’t be,” he says softly, his tone amused. “I told you I’d give you time, and I don’t mind waiting for you to think things through. I don’t mind that at all. We’ve got the rest of our lives in here. One day you’ll wonder what you ever saw in Jared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought ! There's more of the story coming up !

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think !
> 
> I originally planned this fanfic as a one-chapter story, but I've got some ideas on my mind, so perhaps I'll post a few more chapters in the future !


End file.
